THE DIRTY ARMY: Nik, I think this girl is so beautiful. Everything about her is gorgeous, especially her smile. What do you think? Would you with this girl from a small town in Missouri?

Answer: No, she is much too old for my taste buds.

THE DIRTY ARMY: Nik, this here is Michael McCunt aka McCullough.  He is a known racist from the hood of Kensington who now resides in a tiny overpriced apartment atop a sketchy Indian Pakistani cover business in center city Filthadelphia.  He prides himself on being a “writer” and having an English degree and a so-called Masters, yet his spelling and grammar are absolutely horrific.  His short stories resemble the $1 trashy romance crap old ladies buy from the grocery store.  He rarely eats because he is obsessed with thinking he’s “too fat”.  Aww too bad he doesn’t have great genetics to give him a smoking body, like my boyfriend has.  His personality sucks as much as his pimply buck toothed face and crappy writing skills.  He is a known chauvanist and a racist who hates black people and freely calls people the n-word.  He is derogatory, profane, and very metrosexually high maintenance.  It’s no wonder he doesn’t have custody of his kid, given his huge drinking problem (got gin? lol), his occasional 8ball snorting sessions, and his criminal record for simple assault and terroristic threats.  NOBODY takes this douche seriously because he is a joke who has to create stories about sex partners and spam girls with unsolicited penis pictures of himself in a desperate attempt for a shred of attention.

I think he’s barking up the wrong tree.- nik

THE DIRTY ARMY: Nik, this is Dasha Mononovich and as you can tell she is Russian and a model that actually gets paid to do it for a living.  I wanted to ask you what you think about her and if given the chance would you with her?  She has ITG and everything else you like in a woman.

Answer: No, her face would totally ruin my pillow cases.